It’s entirely possible that, with Valentine’s Day upcoming, you may head out on the internet looking for love. And when you do that, be careful. Because you will come across creeps, you will come across jerks and, of course, you will come across “Nice Guys.” You know, the guys who complain about how they can’t get a girlfriend because “women are all bitches who date assholes?” Or wonder why the girl of their dreams won’t go out with them because they know every single detail about her and are so in love with her and, dammit, they have put so much effort into this, aren’t they at that point ENTITLED to some sex?
Maybe you don’t. Just in case, please beware of OK Cupid profiles that look anything like this:
Am I not Thanos?! Did I not butcher the woman who gave me birth, who force-fed me into this hell called life?! Is not the wake of my passing crimson with the blood of my enemies and allies alike?!
Nah, really, I am just your typical Mad Titan and God of Death. I’m really a nice guy. I’m into a lot of stuff, politics, alternative religion, rock collecting. Yeah, I’ve got some family issues and I’ve been told I have an anger problem, but I don’t think I’m much worse than anyone else, you know?
What I’m Doing With My Life:
I’m really into trying to gain all mighty, unstoppable power, reality altering, you know how it goes. I’ve also been getting into MMA training.
I’m Really Good At:
Being an AWESOME boyfriend. That’s not bragging, I am the sort of guy who would do anything for the girl I love. I mean ANYTHING. I just really wish I could find the sort of girl who could appreciate that fact. I mean, the kind who can appreciate it and ALSO can survive in deep space.
The First Thing People Usually Notice About Me:
Probably that I’m really tall. Or that I’m trying to slaughter them. But the height thing probably stands out more lol.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food:
Fight Club is my favorite book and movie. As for music, I’m really into My Chemical Romance, but only Black Parade and their early stuff, after BP they totally sold out. But really, I’m willing to listen to or watch anything that makes my girl happy. It is all about giving her what she wants.
The Six Things I Could Never Do Without:
The six infinity gems. Except I’ve done without them for awhile, so, I guess that’s not true.
I Spend A Lot Of Time Thinking About:
Death is with me every second of the day! My every moment is spent in either dealing out death or worshiping it! And you’d think she’d appreciate that, right? I mean, you end the lives of half the population of the universe, you reorder the planets, you build her a throne and offer her whatever she wants and that BITCH puts you in the FRIENDZONE. Can you believe it? I went out, spent all my time getting just the right jewelry, and it turns out the whole time she was just leading me on, all “Oh, I’m going to resurrect you and order you to kill people,” and when I do that I don’t even so much as get a kiss on the cheek? I mean, you think she’d be impressed with this art project I worked on with this girl I know, Nebula? But Death WOULDN’T EVEN SPEAK TO ME.
What the hell is WRONG with bitches like her, huh?
The Most Private Thing I’m Willing To Admit:
I worked as a farmer for awhile and it was actually pretty sweet.
You Should Message Me If:
No, really, you’re Death and you don’t wanna play with my heart anymore.
STILL YOU WILL NOT SPEAK TO ME? I AM THANOS!
- Ashly will not tell you where to find her OK Cupid profile, especially if you are a “Nice Guy” or immortal Death God with Serious Issues. You can, however, find her on Twitter @newageamazon