I’d wanted to see it based on previews and yeah, because on a cosmetic level, I was secretly hoping it’d be as badass as 300. Was it? Well, you’ll have to continue reading to find out
If you’d like a simple “Yes, go see it” or “Fuck no, avoid it like the plague”, fine. If I was the grading type, I’d give it a B-. Onward for details and probably some spoilers.
I’ve always been a fan of mythology, and Theseus himself was one of my favorite heroes. This was loosely based on a great tale and I was pretty disappointed with the adaptation of it. This was quickly remedied by the abundance of quivering, heavily muscled thighs, and well oiled abs. Lady porn for young and old as it was, I swallowed my disappointment and tried to enjoy the interpretation as it was. Briefly, in case you’re not familiar with the Theseus myth, Theseus is the child of Aethra who in the same night, slept with her husband AND then walked out into the sea and had sex with Poseidon so he’s the child of both fathers and Aethra. His mortal dad hid some cool stuff beneath a rock and when Theseus got old enough, he found it all and journeyed to his father’s land to claim his birthright, passing six entrances to the Underworld. Along the way, he killed a lot of people, slept with some women, before arriving and was poisoned by daddy’s new wife. He also journeyed to the infamous labyrinth, killed the Minotaur of King Minos, saved some princesses, kidnapped some of Zeus’s daughters, and was apparently one of the Argonauts.
How much of this did he do in the film?
Well, the story begins in a small seaside village and Theseus is an outcast for being the son of a whore but is friends with a homeless looking guy who has trained him from a young age in various fighting techniques. Rumors are swirling around about King Hyperion laying waste to Greece in search of the Epirus Bow which he will then use to unleash the Titans against the Gods because his prayers went unanswered. Hyperion, unfortunately played quite blandly by a usually great Mickey Rourke, and his forces ravage the small town and kill Theseus’s mom. Theseus, now utterly enraged, kicks some ass but is captured and taken to a monastery where the beautiful Freida Pinto awaits as the virgin oracle, Phaedra. The old homeless guy transforms into the gorgeous Luke Evans as Zeus and jets off to Olympus. He paces about and warns the others (Poseidon, Athena, and Ares) that they are not to interfere with Theseus’ journey or ELSE. All three do the shifty eyes at each other and agree. At the monastery, Phaedra has a vision about Theseus and they escape with a thief named Stavros(played by an almost underused Stephen Dorff). Along the way back to the village so Theseus can bury his mother, it’s subtly hinted that if she were to have sex all of her mystical vision seeing powers will go bye bye but this is quickly forgotten and Phaedra offers herself to Theseus. He quickly buries his mother and encounters a Minotaur. Scratch that, he encounters a thick guy in a…bull shaped helm….trimmed in barbed wire. Either way, he finds the Epirus bow inside of a rock and the ragtag group heads to Phaedra’s temple which conveniently guards the entrance to Mount Tartarus. Poseidon and Athena successfully aid Theseus as he journeys to Tartarus but poor Ares is caught by Zeus and is subsequently murdered. Zeus, shaken by his rage, stares Theseus down and tells him he is on his own.
At Mount Tartarus, Hyperion’s forces are laying siege to the temple and Hyperion seeks a parlay with Theseus in hopes to join forces and work together. Of course he denies the offer and Theseus and his little group are captured and the Epirus bow is seized. Hyperion reaches the Titans and releases them. Zeus and the remaining gods have an intensely wonderful battle in the depths of Tartarus in what I felt was the best batch of scenes. These scenes are what the entire movie should have been and these scenes, while stunning and awe inspiring do not make up for the rest of the movie. The simultaneous battle between Theseus and Hyperion was lame to the max, but I will say, I would never, EVER want to be punched in the stomach by Mickey Rourke.
Soundtrack was decent, but not memorable.
Henry Cavill (Theseus), a major reason I wanted to see Immortals, wasn’t that great of an actor. My interest in Man of Steel is considerably less than it was.
Freida Pinto (Phraeda), was beautiful to look at of course but I think her role was stupid.
Mickey Rourke (Hyperion) didn’t act so well in this either and I felt like Hyperion was really one dimensional and his entire reason for releasing the Titans was akin to a temper tantrum because the gods weren’t giving him attention.
Luke Evans (Zeus) was one of two highlights for me, albeit, his ridiculously ripped body had a small part to play in it. His acting as Zeus really stood out amongst the players and I gotta say, I’ll be looking into every movie he’s ever done. I might love him.
Kellan Lutz (Poseidon) was fun to watch fight. This Twilight star MIGHT have a potential acting career if they don’t ever give him a stupid Princess Leia looking helmet ever again. Seriously, it was retarded.
Obviously, I’m gonna encourage you to check it out on your own and formulate your own opinions about it. Maybe we’ll agree that this movie, like almost allllll the others, was nothing special in 3D. Maybe not. Either way, let me know YOUR thoughts!